You’re beautiful, inside and out – these are the words that haunt me every night as my head hits the pillow. You’re beautiful, there is no doubt/There’s no use in hiding, your potential is shine-ning. It’s not the soft words of a loved one or a comforting self-help mantra, it’s the song from the Magnet Kitchens advert.
The tune has become my cognitive screensaver – a sort of meditative version of the ever-wibbleing geometric shape. As soon as I’m not concentrating on anything in particular, there it is. Endlessly looping like an audible version of a 30 Rock GIF. It’s as though my brain’s become the crappest Tumblr feed of all time: empty accept for three sickly-sweet lines, awkwardly cropped together, running over and over and OVER.
I’ve tried counting sheep, pigs, cats and pangolins. Blasting it with everything from Wu-Tang Clan to the One Pound Fish song didn’t work either. My trump card was a blow out too: chanting the words to Ronan Keating’s Life is a Rollercoaster was no match for this titan. It just won’t budge. It’s the Rosa Parks of songs, accept, instead of sitting for justice and equality, it’s hanging around hoping I’ll buy a pastel-coloured breakfast bar.
I can forgive the youthful simplicity of the song, it was written by a 14 year old after all – Lucinda Nicholls from Perth, Austrahlya. Her and her annoying song, Inside and Out, were discovered by Magnet on that well-know source of high-quality content, YouTube. They whisked her off to Abbey Road to record a beefed-up version for their Beauty Built In campaign. “I wrote [the song] at camp when we were mountain biking” she says in her introduction, “so I had something to think about other than ow, ow, ow, ow, these bumps are hurting.” Well doesn’t that just scream KITCHEN AD at you?
What I really can’t forgive, however, is bringing it into my home four, six, 437 times a day. It may well be the Holy Grail of ditties if you’re in advertising – sweet, beige and very, very sticky (like a pudding, accept everyone hates it). It is now firmly lodged in my sub-conscious – my creative brain is a sponge for crappy jingles. Unfortunately for Mr/Mrs Magnet Advert however, I don’t need a kitchen. I have one. It’s not perfect, but it’ll do for the next 14 thousand years or so that I will probably spend renting.
Anyway, sometimes, when no one’s looking, I whisper “On. And on. And Ariston.” to myself, but I’ve never bought a washing machine from them. And now, on principle, out of sheer annoyance, I will never, ever, EVER buy anything from Magnet, no matter how cheap/pretty/life-affirming it is or how much ‘potential’ it will help me fulfil.